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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Ice Harvest, The Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Ice Harvest, The

The Ice Harvest falls into the subcategory of a Coen Brothers film done without the Coens writing or directing.  It seems to be a genre that has been picking up steam recently, as the very Fargo-esque The Big White saw some limited action in Europe.  The Ice Harvest fares better than that misfire, but not really anywhere near the quality of the Coens at their peak.  Although the events that transpire will have you remembering the deliciously dark crime thrillers like Blood Simple and the aforementioned Fargo, these memories will probably have you itching more to revisit those classics, not completely satisfied by the imitation thrills The Ice Harvest throws at you.  It’s passable stuff, but may be too dark and violent at times for some viewers to really see the humor of the situation, so it is recommended with substantial reservations. The premise is simple.  Two sleazy men end up embezzling 2 million dollars from the kingpin of sleaze in town, and find their escape complicated by a variety of situations that come up, including their misdeeds being found out by the man they stole from, and he is none too happy.  Although billed and marketed as a comedy, I feel the need to warn some viewers that The Ice Harvest is more of a thriller with dark comic touches rather than one that goes to tickle your funny bone.  In fact, most of the laughs are of the nervous, comic relief variety, used to temper the heavy doses of sometimes bloody confrontations that occur with increasing frequency as the movie draws to its conclusion.  Black comedy is always a risky business; when it works it is scandalously funny, but there will always be a portion of the audience that just doesn’t find humor in it, and consequently, they will absolutely abhor it.  To those that may choose to see this film based on my recommendation, let me just say, you have been amply warned.

Although technically it is a Christmastime tale, this is as grisly as it gets in that regard, for populist fare anyway.  Good performances and some interesting characterizations are the highlights, although it’s the kind of tale that feels a bit overdone, especially if you’ve seen a noir film or two in your lifetime.  This one’s for genre fans, primarily aimed at cynical viewers that enjoy their thrills sleazy and their comedy ice cold and pitch black. 

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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Inland Empire Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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About two hours into David Lynch’s “Inland Empire,” Nikki Grace (Laura Dern), or Susan Blue (Laura Dern), or possibly a third, nameless döppelganger (also Dern), runs down a pitch-dark, back-country lane, her mouth frozen in a blood-chilling, smeared-clown grimace. What has inspired this look of terror is never revealed. It could be anything. An anxious, disoriented Dern has wended from one identity to the next, one reality to the next, one country to the next with such paralyzing nightmare logic for such a long time by now that there seems nothing left to do but wait for the inevitably violent end. If you’re like me, you’ll wait for it anxiously. If you’re like the woman who sat next to me, you’ll prove your mettle and devotion by seeing it again. Shot on grainy, often blown-out and distorted consumer-grade video, scored to a feedback distortion-heavy soundtrack that will be familiar to fans and tinnitus sufferers alike, and clocking in at one merciful minute under three hours, Lynch’s much-anticipated follow-up to “Mulholland Drive” signals a hale swan-dive off the deep end, away from any pretense of narrative logic and into the purer realm of unconscious free association. I found myself pining for “The Elephant Man,” but that’s just me. ADVERTISEMENT Lynch has talked about the freedom afforded him by video — shooting 40-minute takes, writing scenes moments before they are shot, following ideas into places they couldn’t have gone had complicated lighting set-ups been required. But the lack of structure and rigor doesn’t seem to serve him here, and the film, which begins promisingly, disappears down so many rabbit holes (one of them involving actual rabbits) that eventually it just disappears for good. Dern begins the film as Nikki, a famous actress who has recently crested her celebrity summit and is anxiously awaiting news of whether she’s been cast in the new Kingsley Stewart (Jeremy Irons) movie, a Southern melodrama ludicrously titled, “On High in Blue Tomorrows.” Something’s not right about this scenario, though, starting with the upholstery at Nikki’s house. There’s the creepy front door. And the creaky butler (Ian Abercrombie). And the fact that Nikki’s stuffily macabre taste in decorating would have been outmoded back when Norma Desmond was big. So when a sinister neighbor (Grace Zabriskie) pays her an unexpected visit, informs her that today is tomorrow, she’s gotten the part and the movie is a remake — actually, a haunted remake of a Polish movie that was cursed by gypsies and never completed because the lead actors were murdered — one is intrigued, but not entirely surprised. Because, clearly, something’s not right in general. Soon the movie is moving between unrelated situations on hallucinatory transitions. Giant rabbits exchange Beckettian dialogue on a ’50s-era sitcom set against a laugh track. A Polish hooker sits on a hotel room bed as she watches a movie on TV. Nikki’s costar, a young Hollywood player named David Berk (Justin Theroux), finds himself fielding threats from Nikki’s shadowy husband’s goons. On the set, David investigates a noise that leads to the discovery of yet another alternate parallel reality — this one inhabited by an alternate parallel Nikki. At first, this reality resembles the movie they’re making, in which Nikki plays a character named Susan Blue who falls in love with David’s character, Billy Side. Eventually, Nikki disappears into Susan and it seems never comes back, while Susan slides through the grates of her own persona into ever more squalid and disconcerting scenarios that end with her collapsing among the homeless on the corner of Hollywood and Vine. A warped “Alice in Wonderland,” “Inland Empire” invites you to study it like a rune. And no doubt that repeated viewings would lead to new discoveries and hypotheses. Is this Lynch’s exegesis on why actors are the way they are? A lament for Hollywood production jobs lost to Eastern Europe? A warning about the movie- and TV-created fog in which we live? A fugue on the variations of fugues, “Inland Empire” mimics the very dissociative disorder it dramatizes, probably intentionally, in which a person forgets who she is and creates a new life elsewhere without memory of the previous life. It’s a dreamlike state of altered conscientiousness that lasts for hours. It’s a piece of music in which a theme is repeated above or below its first statement. It’s a tough movie to sit through. carina.chocano@latimes.com MPAA rating: Unrated. Running time: 2 hours, 59 minutes. Exclusively at Laemmle’s Sunset 5, 8000 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood (323) 848-3500; Playhouse 7, 673 E. Colorado Blvd., Pasadena (626) 844-6500.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Silent Hill Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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As game-to-movie projects go, “Silent Hill” had the potential to follow in the large footsteps of “Resident Evil,” and for the first 20 minutes of the movie, it lives up to that promise. After that, it’s all, well, downhill. There’s nothing as disappointing as knowing something was good and having to watch as it gets bad. Screenwriter Roger Avary captured the horrific romance of Centralia (the real life Silent Hill) in atmosphere and mood, but this vision of “Silent Hill” fails at its script. Once the movie gets rolling and has you digging the creep factor and feeling the deeply disturbing vibes up and down your spine, the dialogue turns too cheesy to be taken seriously and so does the plot.Radha Mitchell plays Rose, a mother to an adopted daughter who sleepwalks and cries out the name of a mysterious town in West Virginia ominously called Silent Hill. Along the way of a mission to discover what it is about this unknown place that haunts little Sharon, mother and daughter pick up a tail in the form of dominatrix cop Cybil played to the sexy and tough stereotypical extreme by Laurie Holden. When the cop chases mom (who has taken the daughter without Sean Bean’s ineffective fatherly character Christopher knowing), an accident leaves all three stranded in Silent Hill where the sky rains ash and visibility is about ten feet.The first time you hear blaring sirens and the screen goes dark, the film has you hooked by its sharp edge. But, let me warn you, the first real horror scene in this movie is its best horror scene. The demons and monstrous things that rampage whenever the darkness falls and the sirens scare god-fearing folk back to their sanctuary are pretty gruesome, and seeing them is the thrill you wait for the rest of the time. The horror scenes aren’t frightening after the first one. They just fly over the top too quickly until it’s impossible to take it even a bit seriously. That doesn’t mean there’s not plenty of exceedingly gory and grotesque imagery. That part holds up decently, but the movie depends too much on these nightmarish images to drown out the white noise, which unfortunately is the story.If this movie is any indication, “Silent Hill” was much more effective as a video game than it will ever be on screen. The film combines aspects of the first three games, and while the parts it makes use of are utilized in a fair capacity, it just takes too many turns down unsatisfying roads. It’s predictable, and at times too laughable to not enjoy it, that is, if you get a kick out of bad horror. The beginning is well done, but the remaining three-quarters is just an uphill battle to maintain the thrill, and it loses every inch of ground and every bit of momentum it had going for it. Is it bloody? Oh yeah, but to levels of being purely ridiculous by the end. Is it scary? Yes, for approximately 5 minutes, maybe 10 but that might be too generous.Any credit this movie carries drives off a map with our Rose and Sharon. Rose is no Alice from “Resident Evil,” and the little girl is no Samara from “The Ring.” Beyond the first 20 minutes, there’s too much that gives this movie away for what it is and where it’s headed. The audience can too easily see the discrepancies and shortcomings, many of which seem to broadcast how it will turn out, and to prove it, the screening was full of disappointed groans at the supposed payoff. If you’re a fan of the games, you probably won’t like it. If you’re a serious horror fan, you will probably have many problems with it. And, if you’re fond of bad horror, this movie has enough of it to keep you entertained.

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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Serving Sara Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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“So? Brooklyn’s in the house?”

The Feature:
What is good comedy? Is it the witty slapstick and banter from “Airplane”? Or maybe it’s the ultra gross out humor from a movie like “Freddie Got Fingered”. Regardless of what you may think about the two above movies, at least they knew what their vision was, and carried it out to a T. Unfortunately, “Serving Sara” doesn’t know what kind of comedy it wants to be. Take for instance a “wacky” scene where Matthew Perry’s character ends up having to massage the prostate of a gassy bull. Already, I can hear a collective groan. The scene goes on for an uncomfortable amount of time, and the payoff is even worse. When it’s all said and done, I didn’t laugh once, or even crack a smile during this movie.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Joe (Matthew Perry) is a process server. It’s his job to serve papers to people. His latest assignment is to serve divorce papers to Sara (Elizabeth Hurley) on behalf of her cheating, multi-millionaire husband. Sara is absolutely shocked when she learns of her husband’s plan on divorcing her and making sure she doesn’t see a dime of his money. As a result, she convinces Joe to make believe he never given her the papers, and serve them to her husband, Gordon (Bruce Campbell) instead. Rounding out the cast is Joe’s boss, Ray Harris (Cedric the Entertainer) and Joe’s ultra-competitive coworker Tony (Vincent Pastore).

This movie undeniably suffers from miscasting. There isn’t a shred of chemistry between Matthew Perry and Liz Hurley, and it shows. She looks like she’d rather be someplace else, and Perry looks as if he knows he was roped into an awful movie. It’s funny, but it’s my opinion that if you’re going to act in a bad movie, you might as well have some fun with it.

The concept of “serving papers” isn’t a bad one (maybe it could have used the talents of Dana Carvey instead of Perry). Hell, better movies have been made out of worse ideas. The movie loses the momentum in builds in the first act when it becomes a race as to who can serve papers first. There is nothing memorable in this movie, unless the idea of Matthew Perry with his arm up a bull’s ass appeals to you.

Video:
Paramount presents “Serving Sara” in Anamorphic Widescreen 1.85:1. Much like their later releases, “Serving Sara” looks really good. Colors are bright and vivid, for the most part the print is free of grain and dirt, and there is no artifacting present. I just love the irony of a bad movie having a good transfer. It’s kind of like putting premium gasoline into a car you’ve just wrecked.

Audio:
The audio is presented here in Dolby 5.1, Dolby 2.0, and a French audio track. Like the video, Paramount has done a really good job with the audio on this DVD. Although mostly dialogue driven, there are a few scenes where my speakers got a workout (most notably the monster truck show near the end of the movie). Overall, everything sounds crisp and clean.

Menus:
Static DVD menu offers the choices of “Play”, “Set Up”, “Special Features”, and “Scene Selection.”

Extras:
Paramount has done a good job providing supplements on this DVD. The first one is a commentary by director Reginald Hudlin. Although informative at times, Hudlin is quite boring. For me, a commentary only works if the one discussing the movie are genuinely excited about the final product.

The DVD also has outtakes, deleted, and extended/alternate scenes with optional director commentary. None of them are funny, but it’s always better to have something than nothing. Also noteworthy in extras department is a theatrical trailer, and a twenty-minute featurette called “Serving Sara ? A Look Inside the Process.”

Final Thoughts:
The supplements, audio, and video on this DVD bump up my opinion of it slightly. Therefore, I reluctantly give this dreadful movie a “Rent It” recommendation.

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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Washington Heights Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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THE STRAIGHT DOPE:
Outsiders may look at New York as a singular city filled with diverse “New Yorkers” but in fact it’s a collection of densely packed communities that often share a common background or origin. Manhattan’s Washington Heights (and the movie that takes the neighborhood as its title) is populated almost entirely by immigrants from the Dominican Republic and their descendants. Alfredo De Villa’s Washington Heights finds the neighborhood on the cusp of changing from an older generation still carrying the community lifestyle of the old country and the first generation of adult children, looking to move downtown and more closely integrate into mainstream American society. The brunt of this evolution falls on the shoulders of Carlos (Manny Perez) who wants to move to the Lower East Side and work on his comic book illustrations. Just as he’s finally making plans, however, his father Eddie (played by veteran Cuban actor Tomas Milian) is shot during a hold-up of his bodega.

While this plot turn may be nothing new, the frustration that Carlos feels at being tethered to his neighborhood resonates. This is thanks in part to a script that isn’t overcrowded with overly dramatic dialog and real, honest performances from the cast, particularly Peres and Milian. Many of the other characters are just sketched out but these two manage to draw very believable and rich portraits of their flawed but decent characters. Carlos loves his girlfriend Maggie (Andrea Navedo) but is uncertain where she fits in with his goals. His comic book art (a weird erotic space saga that will probably sound and look stupid to most audience members) doesn’t meet success and, when he’s advised to try to inject some soul into his work he faces a tough choice. He switches styles a couple of times during the film as his work gets more and more personal. Some scenes show De Villa allowing Carlos’ impassioned drawing taking on a frantic, inspired quality and Perez has the right feel of determination and intensity of a hungry artist.

Eddie, on the other hand, is set in his ways and with no interest in changing anything. Widowed for years, he continues his neighborhood gigolo ways endlessly. In one of the several unusual character elements, Eddie talks about how Carlos’ mother understood and forgave his philandering - every time. Milian’s performance as Eddie has a lived-in quality that helps make Eddie a sad, hurt but proud and lively person. When he finds himself immobilized from his gunshot wound, needing his son to change his diaper in the middle of the night, then you see a man reduced to his wounded worst.

Ultimately the film doesn’t offer a standard wrap-up, which is good, although the dramatic climax is a little less than satisfying: The main characters find themselves passive observers as the conflict becomes primarily between two supporting players: Carlos’ longtime friend Mickey (Danny Hoch) and Maggie’s thug brother Angel (Bobby Cannavale). Even here there’s something interesting going on, as Mickey, who is a likeable guy, steals from Angel, whose brute tactics and illicit means make him more of a bad element. Still, Mickey’s thievery is still played as being a stupid move and Angel’s anger comes off as surprisingly understandable.

Still, the film’s real ending is much less final than the inevitable confrontation between Angel and Mickey. Instead it shows both Eddie and Carlos taking the next steps in their lives, which leaves the characters open, heading into the unknown. The ambiguity is smart and hopeful and allows the characters to live on after the last fade-out.

VIDEO:
The movie was shot on digital video but thankfully the transfer here comes from a film print. While resolution is lost in the process it looks much more cinematic. The non-anamorphic transfer here is gummy with detail in more densely composed shots looking lackluster. Also, colors are sometimes dull, which seems standard for this format. But all that having been said, considering the humble technical origins of the film it does look more cinematic than other DV-shot pieces I’ve seen, even with the additional loss of resolution to the DV compression.

AUDIO:

The Dolby Digital Stereo soundtrack is fine. At times voices are a bit tough to make out, thanks to likely low-budget techniques, but there’s a lively quality to the location recording and the music sounds punchy and good.

EXTRAS:
Just trailers for Washington Heights, the upcoming Greg Kinnear / Robert De Niro thriller Godsend and … I don’t know quite how to say this… Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
Washington Heights is a simple story with a few smartly developed characters and an open ending. Fans of urban stories will enjoy a peek into this tight-knit community and some of the conflicts that can come up when someone wants to leave.

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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Crocodile Dundee Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Crocodile Dundee (1986) / Comedy-Adventure

MPAA Rated: PG-13 for language, sexual humor, and some violence Running Time: 115 min. Cast: Paul Hogan, Linda Kozlowski, John Meillon, David Gulpilil, Mark Blum, Michael Lombard, Reginald VelJohnson, Irving Metzman Director: Peter Faiman Screenplay: John Cornell, Paul Hogan, Ken Shadie

 

Australian comedian and actor Paul Hogan (Almost an Angel, Lightning Jack) stars as Mick "Crocodile" Dundee, the famed adventurer of Australia’s rugged outback.  Hearing the seemingly tall tales about his survival of croc attacks and the like, a New York newspaper sends a reporter, Sue Charlton (Kozlowski, Village of the Damned), out to do an expose of the man that sounds more like a myth.  Once there, she realizes that the stories are quite fanciful, and many have become more so with repeated telling, as when she finally meets Crocodile Dundee himself, he seems very uncouth and womanizing, with a thirst for alcohol.  However, once they head out into the dangerous unpopulated terrain outside, she finds that Dundee is fully in his element, saving her life on a number of occasions.  Seizing on an interesting new idea, as Dundee has never traveled outside of his home area, Sue invites him to New York City, hoping that the exposure to one of the world’s largest, most densely populated, and technologically advanced metropolises will shed new and interesting dimensions in making him as much a fish out of water as she was in the outback. 

Breaking box office records for an Australian film, Crocodile Dundee proved to be an international sensation.  Paul Hogan has crafted an eccentric, but fully realized character in Dundee that is both interesting and likeable, without being too cartoonish to take seriously.  You can’t say good chemistry doesn’t exist between Hogan and his co-star Kozlowski, as they would have a rumored fling on the set, and marry soon after.  They are still together at the time of this writing.

Peter Faiman (Dutch), the director for Hogan’s long-running television show, "The Paul Hogan Show". knows his actor through and through, as he keeps the comic timing fresh, only indulging in a few contrived moments that are played strictly for a big laugh.  It’s often a bit clich?, in its own quaint way, but we come to like Dundee’s character, and the romance does eventually work, especially in a memorable crowd-pleasing finale. 

Dundee has become a tad dated over the years, and two lackluster sequels certainly haven’t helped its reputation.  As a piece of pure entertainment in the 1980s, it is charming enough with some classic funny bits that have been reused many times afterward in other films.  Definitely worthwhile viewing for those looking for a little lighthearted adventure, comedy and romance.

– Followed by two sequels, Crocodile Dundee II and Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Hurlyburly Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Features: Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound, stereo surround sound, 16×9, two running audio commentaries, cast and crew filmographies and biographies, original theatrical trailer. New Line Home Video.

The Movie:
David Rabe adapted “Hurlyburly” from his own play. Directed by Anthony Drazan, it is about Eddie (Sean Penn), a self-absorbed casting director who is unhappy in his personal life. His relationship with his girlfriend (Robin Wright Penn) is on-again off-again and he is in a perpetually narcotics-induced state. Along the way we meet his business partner and roommate, Mickey (Kevin Spacey), their friends (played by Chazz Palminteri and Garry Shandling) and a teen runaway (Anna Paquin) who crashes at Eddie and Mickey’s home. Their nihilistic conversations and inner conflicts are the centerpiece of the film. What makes “Hurlyburly” commendable are the excellent performances of Penn and Spacey and a great supporting cast.

The Picture:
Shown widescreen (the film’s aspect ratio is 1.85:1) and anamorphically enhanced, the picture is mostly solid but at times artifacts are noticeable. Anything less than near perfection (some would say perfection) is considered substandard for a New Line DVD release, but the picture quality is acceptable and quite good.

The Sound:
The sound is excellent. Stereo surround and DD 5.1, in a movie that is entirely composed of dialogue, it more than suffices and everything sounds crisp and clear.

The Extras:
The theatrical trailer is slightly grainy at times, and gives the definition of the film’s title, “n. 1. Tumultuous commotion; uproar.” Cast and crew filmographies and biographies are included, as are two full-length audio commentaries. The first is with Anthony Drazan; he rhapsodizes on directing the adaptation, and David Rabe on the writing process. The second track is of Penn, Rabe, and author/social commentator Janet Brown discussing the themes in the play and movie, and selective music cues and insight from composer David Baerwald. It isn’t an “As Good As It Gets” or “Bound” type of together-in-a-room discussion, rather isolated comments with some stretches of just the movie in between. Overall, the second commentary track is interesting and informative.

Conclusion:
If you have seen “Hurlyburly” and think you’d like to own it, the DVD is well worth the money. But if you aren’t familiar with its source material and do not like talky films in general, rent it first.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Bodyguard, The Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Bodyguard, The Reviewed By Gordie Posted 01/02/00 16:54:20

"And I liked the Dolly Parton version of the song better, too." (Total Crap)

There are thousands of things that I could ridicule about this movie. However, I’m going to try to keep to a central theme. And my theme is this: this movie couldn’t be any duller. Not even if they tried to make a dull movie.The Bodyguard stars Kevin Costner as Frank Farmer, a former Secret Service bodyguard who can’t get over the Reagan assassination attempt. Now here’s the kicker: he can’t let it go because he had to trade shifts that day to go to his MOTHER’S FUNERAL. Whitney Houston is Rachel Marron, a screen and pop diva with a stalker. But, she doesn’t know that she has a stalker because her flunkies don’t want to upset her. Whit?I mean Rachel resists Farmer’s security efforts until she learns about the stalker, and then she seduces him. After that, they snipe at each other for about an hour of film. Rachel also has a jealous sister, and an old Secret Service colleague of Farmer’s keeps showing up at obvious moments. Anyone care to guess who did it?The plot of this movie is laughably predictable. Murder?She Wrote employed more sophistication. I’m talking about the last season of Murder?She Wrote. The movie is littered with red herrings and paint-by-numbers plot devices. The one mildly suspenseful sequence in the movie occurs after you have checked off everything that you knew was going to happen and are waiting on Farmer to take the bullet for her.Kevin Costner gives a performance that would make his mother proud-provided that his mother is a tree stump. But Kevin is the lesser of two evils. Whitney Houston is called upon to play herself and she tee-totally sucks. She recites her lines with the dispassion of a bored telephone operator. Her seduction of Farmer was practically endothermic. But above all else, she was simply unbelievable in the role. Which when you consider the fact that she was playing herself, is pretty damn bad.The fifteen second clip of Yojinbo is the only reason this movie is even watchable.
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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Hitch Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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Hitch Reviewed By U.J. Lessing Posted 02/14/05 12:35:17

"Fresh Prince Eye for the Straight Guy" (Average)

Will Smith?s latest romantic-comedy, Hitch, asserts that men are simple-minded, oafish, accident-prone, not nearly as smart as women, and freaking adorable! Why Hitch borrows its foundation from the numerous daytime commercials where men fail to properly use cleaning supplies, I?m not sure, but at least Will Smith is allowed to be charming without packing a machine gun, laser, or explosive device.Smith plays Alex ?Hitch? Hitchens, whose career is to assist helpless males catch the women of their dreams. No mention of his salary is made, but judging by his fancy, upscale apartment, he?s making a first-rate living. Hitch works through referrals only and is not interested in helping guys achieve one-night stands. Instead, he creates situations in which women can see past his male clients? goofy, obtuse exteriors and glimpse the sweet, romantic, gooey mess that lies inside them. Despite his vocation, however, Hitch is jaded about his own love life and chooses not to get attached.Problems arise when Hitch flips for gossip columnist, Sara (Eva Mendes attempting to channel the ghost of Jean Arthur). Sara is smart as a whip and is just as jaded about her own personal relationships. To further complicate matters, Sara is trying to get the scoop on Allegra Cole (Amber Valletta), the celebrity that Hitch?s newest client is trying to date. With so much going on, it?s no wonder that when Hitch is around Sara, he loses his cool and turns into Jim Varney. Will Hitch and Sara hook up? Will Sara discover what Hitch does for a living, and will she accept him for who he is? Will Hitch be able to help his newest doughy-boy client Albert (Kevin James) get together with the luscious Allegra Cole? Will they all live happily ever after? If you?ve ever seen a romantic comedy before, you know the answers to all these questions.The film is enchanting when Hitch is doing his job. Will Smith is captivating when he?s acting as a confidant and giving sage advice to hapless men. We can all relate to how frustrating the ambiguities of dating can be, and we all wish we had a self-assured friend like Will Smith guiding us through the process.It?s a shame that the romantic interludes don?t offer the same delight. Director Andy Tennant proved he had no inkling about how to do a romantic scene in Anna and the King, and together with writer Kevin Bisch, they create amorous moments that have the same effectiveness as old episodes of The Love Boat. The audience is forced to patiently wade through these scenes to get to the more likable male bonding.It?s ironic, isn?t it, that the strongest romantic chemistry in the movie is between Kevin James and Will Smith? They are charming, flirtatious, and share genuine feelings for each other. Perhaps a braver screenplay would have had these two dump their boring girlfriends, move to Vermont and get married. Too bad. Instead, Hitch ends with a drawn-out ending that will make you long for the credits.
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Bloodsuckers Reviewed By David Cornelius Posted 06/25/06 08:45:41

"Further proof that Michael Ironside will star in anything." (Pretty Bad)

What began life as ?Bloodsuckers,? a dopey, ridiculous, low-grade sci-fi/horror B combo flick that debuted last year on the dreaded Sci-Fi Channel, has now been reborn under the deliriously clunky video title ?Vampire Wars: Battle For the Universe,? although all the dopey, ridiculous, low-grade sci-fi and horror remain intact, as does the embarrassing supporting appearances from Michael Ironside and Michael DeLuise.(Whether the appearances are embarrassing for Ironside and DeLuise or for us is for you to determine.)Whatever the title, the movie, written and directed by up-and-coming schlockmeister Matthew Hastings (?Decoys,? ?Engaged To Kill?), is determined to be a kooky blend of ?Firefly,? ?Aliens,? and ?John Carpenter?s Vampires,? although its low budget keeps it from hitting the heights it?s reaching, while its sloppy, uninspired screenplay keeps it from being much fun.It starts out surprisingly enjoyable, as we follow the adventures of a ?V-San? (?Vampire Sanitation?) unit on patrol in the furthest reaches of the galaxy, strange alien lands that just so happen to look an awful lot like British Columbia. It?s the year 2210, and outer space is crawling with all sorts of vampires - a variety of subspecies that need to be killed in a variety of ways before they overtake you with their variety of vampire powers. Our rugged V-San crew, which includes a handsome captain (Joe Lando), a gruff rookie lieutenant (Elias Toufexis), a sexy half-woman/half-vampire (Natassia Malthe), a butch lesbian (Leanne Adachi), and some guy in a cowboy hat (Aaron Pearl), because apparently you have to have a guy in a cowboy hat, right? These guys wander around the outskirts of Vancouver, shouting macho Space Marine-isms like ?Knock ?em, sock ?em, bring ?em to the ground and spike ?em!? before heading off to knocking, socking, and spiking grounded space vampires.It is, strange as it may seem, an awful lot of silly fun, what with the crazy action and the lighthearted banter and the ample amounts of rock (both bluesy decent and Nickelback-level sucky) and the realization by everyone involved that it?s all too goofy to try to take seriously. Heroes and bad guys are both deliciously overplayed without being so tongue-in-cheek that comedy gets in the way, while the action is brisk enough and bloody enough to satisfy fans of such high-concept, low-rent productions. (Fans, by the way, will be pleased to hear words like ?Vorhees? and ?Leatherface? used to describe subspecies of vamps, making the whole movie one long in-joke.)And then Hastings loses his footing, in a big way. This previously fairly simple B movie quickly balloons out of his control, as we?re introduced to a weak subplot about a band of human rebels who want to team up with vampires to overthrow humanity. This story remains too underdeveloped, coming and going with no real rhythm, bringing with them some horrible dialogue, plot turns, and, yes, Michael Ironside and Michael DeLuise, both in full-on space vampire make-up. All of this gets awkwardly intertwined with bits about vampire mind-sex, conflict among the crew, and a key plot point involving the interrogation of what can only be described as a vampire slug Muppet.It?s all too much for this little film, and the overload leads Hastings to not get anything in the film?s second half right. The dialogue is less snappy, the mood is less bouncy, the action is less thrilling. What begins as a big pile of dumb fun winds up a weary mess, and unless you really, really can?t wait to see Michael Ironside with pointy ears, there?s simply no reason to keep watching once all the fun parts disappear.
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