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"Perhaps if a shark had jumped out and bitten Kev on the arse…" (Total Crap)

Waterworld was okay. It was bearable. Sure it was long and silly, but it was entertaining. Message In a Bottle is long and silly, but it is boring.Robin Wright Penn finds a bottle in the ocean which contains a message. She tracks it down to Big Kev. They fall in love. He finds out she’s been reading his letters. They seperate. The question hangs around: Will they get back together? Who cares?I’ve never seen a more contrived, formulaic romance that is caught up in so much self-indulgence, that it simply bores the viewer into dispising the actors.Of course, this is really Big Kev’s film, so it is long, he is the character that everyone is supposed to love, and the camera can’t get enough of the lump of wood his face resembles.Some of Message In A Bottle’s most well-meaning moments are purely laughable. The ending is one of the most woeful Hollywood has ever produced, and the music is grating.I think it’s time to ask this question, because Message in a Bottle highlights the problem. Why must directors resort to montages with pop hits on the soundtrack to keep the film moving? Message in a Bottle does this every 20 minutes, and in a film which goes for over 2 hours, it can really piss the audience off.Unbelievably, people cried during Message in a Bottle. How could anyone be so easily manipulated though? The music score accompanying these "tissue scenes" made me laugh.Also, almost all of the audience during my screening laughed at Paul Newman. Sadly, I could see every one of this washed-up actor’s one-liners coming from a mile away. If you’re intended to be a scene-stealer, don’t be too obvious about it.While Robin Wright-Penn’s performance was the only thing that kept me awake, I might have had more fun during this film if it was set in the future with Big Kev trying to find dry land.Otherwise, this film is wet, wet, wet.
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It’s always interesting to watch a film that’s been ridiculously over-hyped after the pomp and circumstance has finally blown over and all you’re left with is the question: Does this film live up to all its bloated, self-aggrandizing expectations? “Friends With Money” generated a media melee when it opened the 2006 Sundance Film Festival. Writer/Director Nicole Holofcener (“Lovely and Amazing,” “Walking and Talking”) has proven her ability to carve out intricate character studies of strong women, which distinguished her highly anticipated unveiling as the belle of the Park City ball. But more likely, the Sturm and Drang was caused by Holofcener’s leading lady, Jennifer Aniston, whose appearance on the red carpet cemented her status as a post-apocalyptic heroine rising above the blight of the Brangelina baby bump.

Braving the tabloid-churning flashbulbs as Happy, Single, New and Improved Jen, Aniston was all smiles and handshakes, posing for the paparazzo with a gaggle of her gal-pal co-stars in tow who ostensibly were there to promote the movie. But to the untrained gaze of the celeb-starved masses, it provided the welcome blast of Girl Power Aniston seemed to be lacking in her personal life. Who cares if it was a first-rate performance? The media ate it up, and gave that much more exposure to this plucky Amerindie film. Aniston couldn’t have picked a more perfect role in which to curry sympathy and admiration, playing Olivia, who’s described by her friends as “Not married. A pothead. A maid,” in that order. She cleans houses for a living, but to Olivia, it’s far less humiliating than her previous job; teaching rich kids at a fancy private school who used to throw quarters at her when she drove up in her beat up Honda.

Olivia unceremoniously quits, citing intolerable conditions, much to the dismay of her girlfriends, who she’s known all her adult life. All three of her longtime friends are married, successful and rich. They see Olivia as a pet project. A worthy cause much like the thousand dollar charity fundraisers they attend. Yet they seem to share little in common besides their privileged lives and the unsolicited sympathy and advice they liberally dispense to their less fortunate friend who isn’t able to sustain financial solvency or a meaningful relationship. Joan Cusack plays Franny, the richest of the bunch (both financially and emotionally), who has a wonderful husband, well-behaved children and regular sex. Her biggest problem is the expensive shoes that her husband buys for their daughter and which charity she should donate her millions to in any given year.

In short, she lives a perfect life, and as pretty as this picture may be, it’s hardly believable. Cusack does what she can to breathe life into Holofcener’s two-dimensional character, but sadly, Franny fails to ring true. Concerned about her friend’s sad state of affairs, Franny fixes Olivia up with her trainer, Mike, played to loutish perfection by Scott Caan. Mike accompanies Olivia to the houses she cleans, has sex with her in each of them, and demands a cut from her wages, which she questionably hands over. “Friends With Money” makes up for such nagging details with a dazzling performance by Frances McDormand who plays Jane, a successful fashion designer who rages against the machinery of the ill-mannered. She loses her mind when people tailgate, steal parking spaces or barge in line at Old Navy. Luckily, Jane has Aaron, her effete, doting husband who all her friends believes to be gay. As one friend bluntly states, “it’s like a person with a tree growing out of his head and no one sees it.”

After she embarrasses her meek husband by launching into a rant at dinner when the waiter goes AWOL, Aaron uncharacteristically puts his foot down. “Don’t have one of your fits. We’re having a really lovely time.” Stung, you see the anger below the surface, but before Jane has a chance to unleash it, he extinguishes it by simply asking, “What horrible injustice was done to you that you have to act that way?” It’s this type of honest dialogue that infuses the film with a welcome realism. Yet like Olivia, some of Jane’s characteristics just don’t add up. She’s a powerful, outspoken woman, pointing a fiery finger at injustice in her quest to instill fairness. Yet inscrutably, she’s too tired to wash her hair – reasoning that it will only get dirty again. Holofcener’s longtime muse, Catherine Keener, plays Christine, a screenwriter, who works from home with her husband David, writing and developing projects. Yet she’s unable to communicate with her partner in life and work. It turns out David isn’t the nicest of people – telling Christine that all the crap she’s been eating is starting to show on her ass. What’s worse, he never bothers to ask if she’s ok after she has another one of her accident-prone mishaps. Christine realizes that it’s not too much to ask to be with someone who will express a modicum of concern for her welfare. When her husband disagrees, Christine finally makes the long-debated decision to leave him.

While some may argue that this is not nearly a good enough reason, it’s these small things that amount to a very big deal in Holofcener’s world. “Friends With Money” is the type of film that could easily be classified as an urbane chick flick, with smart, cool, self-possessed women succeeding in the cutthroat landscape of L.A. Yet the way these women act in specific situations is sometimes puzzling. Why would Christine suddenly leave a man who was exactly the same person when she married him? Why would Jane, a fashion designer who expends an inordinate amount of energy in fighting for what’s right in the world – and who works in an industry where appearance is tantamount – not have the strength to engage in her own personal hygiene? It’s also not readily apparent why Olivia would mutely submit to giving her lazy, selfish boyfriend a cut of her wages when she was quick to disavow the humiliation she suffered at the rich private school she previously taught at. These are the type of contradictions that keep popping up throughout “Friends With Money.” Holofcener provides the black and the white, but doesn’t allow much room for gray in her canvas. Yet what Holofcener lacks in creating probable cause and effect is largely forgiven with sharply drawn characters, cutting dialogue and scenes that resonate. A thought-provoking film that looms large long after the red carpet has been rolled up and the tabloids have moved on to the Next Big Scandal.

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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Training Day Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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The Movie:
It’s a rarity to see Denzel Washington play a straight-up villain, and he does so in Training Day with great relish, but if the actor hadn’t won an Oscar for it would the movie be particularly memorable? Directed by music video veteran Antoine Fuqua, whose other features have included such competent but undistinguished efforts as The Replacement Killers and Tears of the Sun, Training Day is a gritty urban cop thriller with plenty of style, atmosphere, and fine performances, that in the end comes up feeling empty.

Though Denzel gets more of the limelight, Ethan Hawke stars as the movie’s hero, a fresh-faced police rookie on the first day on his new assignment with a high-risk Narcotics unit. You already know that’s not going to go well, right? Placed under the tutelage of Alonzo Harris (Washington), a live-wire veteran of the streets with some unorthodox methods for battling crime, most of which involve committing some other form of crime, our newbie Jake Hoyt will find all of his conceptions about law and order challenged as he learns the ways of the street. At first it seems that Alonzo is just an old-school, ends-justify-the-means type of cop, willing to bend the law a little if it means making a bigger score in the end, a philosophy that Jake understands and respects, but as his training day wears on it becomes clear that Alonzo is luring Jake into a dangerous web of lies and corruption. That probably should have been obvious first thing in the morning when Alonzo forced him at gunpoint to smoke PCP, but I suppose Jake was still giving him the benefit of the doubt at that point, or something.

Washington chews into his role with gusto, making Alonzo a charismatic, charming, devious bastard and endowing the character with layers of depth the script otherwise forgets to provide. Say what you will about the rest of the movie, the actor deserved his Oscar as much as anyone that year. Ethan Hawke also delivers solid work despite how clich?d and underwritten his role is. Scott Glenn and Tom Berenger turn up to lend able support, as do a few of Fuqua’s friends from the hip-hop community including Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Macy Gray, none of whom embarrass themselves too much. Eva Mendes gets completely naked, and that’s certainly a plus. The script is tight, if uninspired and more than a bit predictable, and Fuqua’s direction is sleek, stylish, and efficient. The movie makes an effective acting showcase for its leads and entertains as well as it needs to, but never amounts to anything of substance or weight. As a character study about the dangers of police abuse of power or the temptations of corruption, it’s got nothing on any typical episode of The Shield. Training Day is slick but ultimately hollow.

The Blu-ray Disc:
Training Day debuts on the Blu-ray format courtesy of Warner Home Video. The studio previously released the picture on HD DVD back in May of this year.

Blu-ray discs are only playable in a compatible Blu-ray player. They will not function in a standard DVD player or in an HD DVD player. Please note that the star rating scales for video and audio are relative to other High Definition disc content, not to traditional DVD.

Video:
The Training Day Blu-ray is encoded in High Definition 1080p format using MPEG2 compression on a single-layer 25 gb disc. The movie is presented in its theatrical aspect ratio of approximately 2.35:1 with letterbox bars at the top and bottom of the 16:9 frame.

It’s about damn time that one of the major studios started releasing discs on Blu-ray that can finally show off what the format is supposed to do. Sony has almost uniformly dropped the ball with all of their disappointing discs so far, and Lionsgate has been uneven at best, but now Warner steps up to the plate. If they haven’t quite hit a home run with Training Day, they at least get in an impressive triple.

The movie has outstanding, razor sharp photography with bold colors and not a hint of grain or noise. The HD DVD released a few months ago is one of the finest discs on that format, its popping High Definition imagery so vivid you feel like you could just step into the movie. The Blu-ray isn’t quite that good, but it’s close. Obviously sourced from the same master (but compressed here with MPEG2 encoding instead of the superior VC-1), the Blu-ray maintains an excellent sense of detail in both close-ups and wide shots. Colors are great, and unlike many Blu-rays it looks like High Definition from the first frame to the last. Judged on its own, this is a fine disc and probably the best thing I’ve seen on Blu-ray to date.

Directly comparing the movie on both formats (and it would be disingenuous not to), the HD DVD edition indeed looks a bit better. On that disc, I found myself marveling at the clarity of even the tiniest details in every shot. I didn’t have quite that reaction to the Blu-ray, which is slightly softer and duller, with a little less depth. The difference isn’t huge, but it’s enough to be noticeable. At the time of this writing, there’s only one Blu-ray player on the market (the Samsung BD-P1000), and if rumors are to be believed the unit may be employing excessive Noise Reduction filtering, which could account for the difference. Until better players are available, I can’t speak to that with certainty, but I’m willing to acknowledge the possibility.

The MPEG2 compression has only one significant flaw that I noticed. The opening shot of a sunrise exhibits serious color banding. The HD DVD has a similar problem but to a much lesser extent. It’s barely noticeable on that disc, but extremely glaring on this one. Otherwise, I didn’t find any compression problems worth noting (a true rarity for Blu-ray), which speaks well for the care that Warner puts into their transfers. Both discs have an incredibly minor presence of edge enhancement ringing, most visible around the 48-minute mark, but it’s so faint and fleeting that it’s hardly worth mentioning. This is a very nice disc.

The Blu-ray disc is not flagged with an Image Constraint Token and will play in full High Definition quality over a Blu-ray player’s analog Component Video outputs.

Audio:
The movie’s soundtrack is provided in standard Dolby Digital 5.1 format. The HD DVD offered both Dolby Digital Plus and lossless Dolby TrueHD audio options that give it a decided edge, but the DD 5.1 track provided here is excellent in its own right. Warner has decided to encode the track at a high 640 kb/s bit rate, which puts it about on par audibly with the HD DVD’s DD+. Fidelity is terrific. The movie has rocking deep bass and very good surround envelopment. Although one of the advanced audio formats might have put it over the top, I’ve got no complaints about the soundtrack here.

Subs & Dubs:
Optional subtitles ? English, English captions for the hearing impaired, French, or Spanish.
Alternate language tracks - Quebecois French DD 5.1 or Spanish DD 2.0.

Extras:
All of the bonus features on this Blu-ray title are recycled from the DVD edition and are presented in Standard Definition video with MPEG2 compression. All of the supplements from the DVD (identical to those on the HD DVD) have carried over.

• Audio Commentary - Director Antoine Fuqua speaks eloquently about what drew him to the project and his intentions.
• HBO First Look: The Making of Training Day (15 min.) ? The usual promotional material featuring interviews with the cast and crew.
• Deleted Scenes (13 min.) ? Some good footage in here (in lousy quality video), but none that would make or break the movie. Most was cut for pacing, or because it makes the Alonzo character too sympathetic.
• Alternate Ending (5 min.) ? More of an extended ending than an alternate one, the extra twist is unnecessary and just serves to bog down the last scene.
• Music Videos - “#1″ by Nelly, and “Got You” by Pharoahe Monch.
• Theatrical Trailer

No interactive features have been included.

Final Thoughts:
Training Day didn’t do much for me as a movie, but it’s pretty entertaining and features some very good performances. The Blu-ray edition has excellent picture and sound quality, if not quite up to the same level as the HD DVD. Viewers with the choice will want to go with the HD DVD, but Blu-ray owners won’t be missing out on much with this disc. Despite my reservations about the movie, the disc is recommended.

Related Articles:
HD Review Index
Samsung BD-P1000 Blu-ray Player

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DOWNLOAD MOVIE Family Stone, The Just $2.99 for a complete movie! No additional software or browser plug-ins required! You can play them for unlimited number of times whenever you want. Downloaded movies will work perfectly on any PC, DVD player, PDA etc.
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It’s Christmas in Connecticut, when the tight-knit Stone family get together for their annual holiday gathering.  This year, it’s a bit different, as the eldest of the Stone children, Everett (Mulroney, Must Love Dogs), is bringing Meredith (Parker, State and Main), a woman he intends to marry, hoping to use his grandmother’s engagement ring to make the proposal.  Unfortunately for Everett, the rest of the Stone family thinks he is making a mistake by bringing what they perceive to be a shrewish control-freak into the family unit, and try as they might to be civil about it, their disdain for Meredith keeps coming out.   

While The Family Stone does possess a nice cast of actors who engage with lively performances, it is mired by predictability, emotional manipulations, and by giving us characters that come off as very unlikable.  It’s not that we are really supposed to like the Stone family per se, but in this case, their outward refusal to accept Everett’s choice of Meredith without getting to know her puts them in such a bad light that it does diminish the enjoyment of the overall comedy.  True, some families are like that, but in this case, their justification for their ill feelings seems unfounded, and even when Meredith does begin to show some reasons why the family should be cautious about her, the sourness of it all bogs the film down into less-than-funny, less-than-poignant territory. 

What the Stone’s really need to realize is that no outsider should ever be so unlucky as to need their acceptance, as we wish for Meredith to run for the hills rather than try to join a group of obvious jerks.  Funny thing is, the Stone’s don’t seem to be comfortable with anyone if they don’t accept their flaws.  It is OK for another man to join the family, because he is willing to accept their deaf, gay son (Giordano, A Lot Like Love).  It is not OK for Meredith to join them on equal terms, however — they won’t accept her if she marries someone she is suited for, like Everett, but they will accept her if she settles for their wayward slacker son, Ben (Wilson, Legally Blonde 2).  Conversely, they would accept Meredith’s younger sister, Julie (Danes, Shopgirl) into their family, because she could clearly do much better than Everett.  It seems that as long as you acknowledge that you are settling for less, you are welcome into the Stone family with open arms.

For all of its distasteful qualities, The Family Stone does benefit from well-rounded characterizations, and with the actors they have in place, it certainly had the goods necessary to being a much more worthwhile film than it ends up being.  What really is the film’s downfall, other than the aforementioned mean-spiritedness, is how the story becomes contrived and predictable once the character of Meredith’s much more likable younger sister, Julie, enters the scene.  Just as the family as a whole were disgusted by Everett’s choice of potential spouse without any rationale, they just as certainly feel kinship with Julie, even trying to get her to go for one of their other single sons, without even getting to know her.  Anyone who doesn’t see the plot machinations already in motion from here on out is probably asleep from the story’s considerable tedium.

The Family Stone is passable fare for people who like family dramedies, the kinds that are usually the norm as made-for-TV fodder around the holiday times.  I suppose that when things all come together in the end that we are supposed to realize that the family bonds far exceed their differences, and this is supposed to make us feel good about our own family situations, where we all love our kin despite their flaws.  In this case, we only resolve that this barely-functional family just gets even more dysfunctional as the years progress, and the only  redeeming quality of this family is their fantastic ability to scare off any who would dare to want to join their group
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All for one and one for all! The Three Musketeers, heroes of many of
an escapade on the silver screen, are back, this time in a Hallmark
TV mini-series that’s been repackaged as a film for DVD. Only the
original three are getting on in years, so the torch has been passed
to the next generation, most notably Valentine (Susie Amy), the
talented daughter of D’Artagnan (Michael York). Having received the
best of training from her illustrious father, Valentine sets off to
Paris, along with the sons of the other Three Musketeers, to earn a
place as a Musketeer for King Louis XIV. Not surprisingly, the young
protagonists are soon drawn into a complicated plot involving
international intrigue.

La Femme Musketeer has its charms, which can mostly be summed
up in describing its protagonists: we have an appealing and nicely
self-reliant heroine in Valentine, along with an amiable supporting
cast who appear to be having a good time (especially Michael York).
In fact, if the film had run 90 minutes instead of a ludicrously long
170 minutes, it would probably stand reasonably well as a
lightweight, fun romp. Unfortunately, it really is too long, and by
the time the third hour starts, the weight of the melodramatic plot,
with its cookie-cutter bad guys, has made it sag noticeably.

There’s not a whole lot to La Femme Musketeer, other than a
pleasant cast and a touch of comedy to liven up the melodrama. The
film proceeds with a carefree lack of attention to historical
accuracy. Given the generally lighthearted “fluff” feel of
the program, that’s not too surprising, but it’s a bit regrettable
anyway, as it’s more an indication that the filmmakers couldn’t be
bothered than a deliberate playful touch.

Unfortunately, another thing the filmmakers weren’t bothered with was
getting a proper fight choreographer. The swordfights are awful. Not
just a bit lame, or overly theatrical, but actively terrible. I’m a
fencer, and I have an eye for good (and bad) fight scenes; watching
the fights in La Femme Musketeer was the equivalent of hearing
fingernails scraped across a chalkboard. The moves are blatantly
staged, with the actors vigorously attacking each others’ blades and
twirling around, and there’s nothing even remotely resembling actual
fencing technique in either footwork or bladework. The director has
tried to dress this disaster up by using little camera tricks like
speeding up the film, which just looks bizarre and actually
emphasizes how terrible the fencing is. I wouldn’t normally call so
much attention to this, but in La Femme Musketeer, sword
fights are a staple of the plot, occurring at regular intervals and
often lasting for a long time. Memo to directors: if swordfighting is
going to be a main attraction of your production, please hire a
competent fencing instructor and fight choreographer. We can tell
when you don’t.

The
DVD

Video

La Femme Musketeer appears in the 1.33:1 aspect ratio, which
is its original aspect ratio as far as I was able to tell. Overall,
it’s a decent transfer that comes in at a touch over average. The
image is pleasant to look at, though contrast is a bit harsh at
times, and colors tend to be a bit on the dark side. Some grain and
edge enhancement also creeps in.

Audio

The Dolby 2.0 audio track is adequate but nothing more; La Femme
Musketeer could have benefited from either a surround mix or
simply a better 2.0 track. The dialogue is generally clear, though
it’s muffled on a few occasions and a bit tinny when voices are
raised. The sound overall tends to be slightly flat.

Extras

There are no special features.

Final
thoughts

There
are worse made-for-TV miniseries out there, and La Femme Musketeer
at least has the standout point of an assertive and realistically
drawn female protagonist. If the premise sounds like fun (either to
you or your kids) then La Femme Musketeer is probably worth a
rental.
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"The Most Misunderstood Film of the Year" (Worth A Look)

Eyes Wide Shut (*** ?) ?After months, even years of rumors and bad press surrounding this film, Stanley Kubrick?s final chapter to his film career turns out to be one of his best. I was stunned at how much I liked this movie and how willing I am to sit through it again.With a running time of 159 minutes, and the love-hate relationship I have to Kubrick?s work, I approached this film with some hesitancy, yet also a level of excitement since I knew nearly nothing about it. That hesitancy was immediately rinsed away with the very first scene. I was hooked all the way to the final credits. Despite all the rumors that made this film seem like Kubrick?s version of Crash, Eyes Wide Shut really tells a very simple tale with many deep layers. It?s a story of jealousy, infidelity, and truth in the context of a marriage. It also weaves it tale with an undercurrent of Hitchcockian dread and paranoia that really gets one inside the journey that Cruise?s character takes. And what a journey it is. At times comical, but mostly scary, all leading up to the already infamous orgy sequence which is nothing short of incredible. Piano notes have never seemed more threatening. This is not a film for everyone, so while I praise it highly, I do heed warning to those looking for a fun evening out. Yet at the same time, the film is a little more mainstream than most would have you believe. This isn?t The Thin Red Line with an incoherent and unwatchable storyline. While unpredictable, it?s very straightforward and never boring. At least ? I never found it boring. It?s got Cruise and Kidman giving two of their very best performances. Especially look for Kidman to pull out a nomination. It boasts an A+ screenplay handled by Kubrick at his best, filling nearly every frame with the colors of green and red (the film world?s colors for jealousy and envy). It?s a masterstroke to set this film at Christmas as nearly every place Cruise visits has an odd-looking Christmas tree. I couldn?t help think of this film as almost an anti-marriage movie, arguing that no matter how secure and happy a couple could be, our natural primal urges can?t help but make their ways into our psyches, one way or another. I pity those who see this film with their significant other. Now, don?t think I?m recommending this film, because as a film lover, it?s almost a law to like anything done by Stanley Kubrick. That?s not the case. While I think Dr. Strangelove is one of the 20 greatest of all films, and truly admire films like Full Metal Jacket, Paths of Glory, Lolita, and Spartacus ? I?m the first to admit I?m not the biggest fan of 2001, A Clockwork Orange, and The Shining (though the latter has slowly gained a little strength throughout the years)Eyes Wide Shut ranks in the upper echelon of Kubrick?s work and certainly of anything that?s been released this year. One minor complaint of the film is a blown opportunity for a true shock late in the film, by cutting to it too early. Other than that, I was highly surprised and entertained by this thought-provoking foray into the darkest depths of a relationship. As far as the controversy of the digitally-altered 65 seconds ? if I didn?t know about it, I wouldn?t have noticed. This is one of those films that could be discussed for hours on end, even if it?s about things you?d rather not talk about. (Note: Another great drinking game that can come out of this film is that you chug every time Cruise is hit on and every time he whips out his medical ID badge.)
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Reviewer’s Bias*
Loves: Screwball comedy, ’80s sex comedies
Likes: The Marla/Lynne dynamic
Dislikes: Chris Owen
Hates: Most National Lampoon movies

The Story So Far…
National Lampoon cranks out bad movies for the direct-to-video market on a regular basis, with nothing going for them but some stunt casting and nudity. Their college tale Dorm Daze has been reviewed in many outlets as much of the same, but it apparently moved enough copies to necessitate the creation of a follow-up. DVDTalk has reviews of the original film by Aaron Beierle and Adam Tyner.

The Movie
I have to make a confession. This may affect the way you view my reviews, and it may lead to my colleagues here shunning me like a leper. But I have to admit something: I’ve never seen Dorm Daze. There…it’s out there now, and I’ll just have to deal with the consequences.

Despite my lack of experience with this franchise, somehow I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything going into National Lampoon presents Dorm Daze 2: College @ Sea - Uncensored & Unanchored (certainly a contender for longest title of the year.) The only thing I seem to bemissing is the reason for the existence of a sequel.

Several characters from the first film, students at Billingsley University, are spending a semester aboard a cruise ship, where they are finalists in a theater competition. That about all the plot you get, though if you poke around, there’s arivalry over an upcoming grant, a professor/student affair, and, as is always the case, a young man dying to lose his virginity.

Things really get rolling when the theater competition (which allows for the requisite gratuitous nudity) ties into the hunt for a stolen diamond and a mischevious monkey trying to avoid being smoked by two stoners. Toss in an over-the-top gay costumer and a horny older woman (played with remarkable ease by porn starlet Jasmine St. Claire), and just about every cliche from a teen movie is represented here, including American Pie alumnus Chris Owen, who has become a teen-movie cliche all by himself.

Once everyone is introduced, the characters are free to do what they want, as long as sex is mentioned or seen every five minutes. Eventually they get back to the central story, and they may even wrap that up in the next sequel, but all I cared about were the characters of Marla and Lynne, played by Danielle Fishel (Boy Meets World’s Topenga) and Jennifer Lewis. Bubbleheads in the mold of Romy and Michelle, they are adorably dopey, and provide a pleasant visual distraction when the movie gets to be too much.

The movie actually approaches something of a manic comic pace at two points, but just can’t overcome its limitations. One scene, in which our virgin hero falls overboard nude, in the middle of a couple’s coupling, drawing everyone into the scene, nearly made me chuckle, but it fell just short.

I can’t explain the problem with this movie, since I love similar films like Hamburger the Motion Picture and Stewardess School. Perhaps it’s the directors’ fault. I’m willing to lay the blame on them, since they were able to somehow make the usually beautiful Vida Guerra into the least attractive girl of the starring cast. Anyone able to spin gold into straw like that, or calls on cameos by Ted Lange and Kato Kaelin for laughs, can easily be considered the problem.

The DVD
The DVD arrives as a one-disc’er, packed in an insert-less standard keepcase. The disc has an animated anamorphic widescreen main menu, with animated transitions, that offers a choice to play the film, select scenes, adjust languages and check out the special features. Audio options include English Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 tracks, while subtitles are available in English and Spanish.

The Quality
There’s nothing obviously bad about the film’s anamorphic widescreen transfer, but there’s nothing all that great about it either. Color is solid, and the level of detail is good, though there’s a bit of softness and grain to the image that keeps it from being an optimal presentation. There no dirt or damage though, so everything remains very clean.

The audio is standard comedy-level quality, focusing mainly on reproducing the dialogue crisply and keeping the music and voices from getting muddy. The ridiculous comedic sound effects peppered thoughout the movie and the music get some play in the surround speakers, but it’s mostly a center-channel affair without much dynamic sound.

The Extras
The extras start with a feature-length audio commentary by directors Dave and Scott Hillenbrand, executive producer and editor. It’s a friendly “remember when” track, with lots of shooting info and a lot of praise for the cast. What’s seemingly missing is a sense of humor about the kind of movie these guys made. Instead, they are very complementary, and talk about things like cast chemistry and telling stories. When you make a movie for a single purpose and will likely get slammed for it, have a bit of humility.

A selection of 19 deleted scenes, with optional commentary, is mainly extensions of scenes in the film (including a ridiculous alternate ending), while the blooper reel is amusing, but nothing great. The disc wraps with a featurette on Guerra that’s just an excuse to show her in revealing outfits (from a promo photo shoot.) Trailers from other Lionsgate projects put a cap on things.

The Bottom Line
I can’t truthfully say I enjoyed this movie, but I didn’t hate it either. It’s just sort of there. Perhaps I’m not the target audience and this went over (or more likely under) my head. Either way, I can’t recommend it, though the extras are decent and the level of quality is good. Use your discretion, and any experience you’ve had with previous National Lampoon films when considering a rental.