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Foreigner, The Reviewed By Scott Weinberg Posted 04/30/04 20:32:11
"Revenge of the Double-Chin: Part 14" (Total Crap)
Someone PLEASE explain to me where all these Steven Seagal movies keep coming from!!There are a handful of Universal Thruths that exist in our world, perspectives and opinions that are shared around the globe regardless of how distant or alien our various cultures may be. These Universal Truths act as sort of a common bond that connect all of humanity through a few very simple agreements: 1. Love and family are very important.2. Child abuse is a horrible thing.3. Steven Seagal is a huge joke and a hilarious one at that.Since I’ve never actually met Mr. Seagal, my only basis for this statement is his expansive body of work, a dozen or so films that feature the tubby tailkicker in a collection of adventures that range from "cop thwarts drug ring" to "cop exacts revenge for loved one’s death" and back to "cop thwarts drug ring while exacting revenge for a loved one’s death". If Seagal were a record album, he’d have huge jagged scratches across every tune. And, overlooking that fact that you’re hearing the same eleven notes played over and over again, it wouldn’t really matter because the music’s so damn awful to begin with.After he burst onto the B-level action scene with cleverly titled epics like Marked for Death, Out for Justice and Stopping at McDonald’s Drive-Thru, Seagal found his fame dwindling as quickly as it had appeared. Instead of chalking his newfound stardom up to "pure retarded luck" and retiring to an expensive mansion somewhere, Seagal just kept on churnin’ ‘em out. Hollywood’s not interested? Go do a few action movies in Libya or Beirut. And after several of these flicks, Seagal found himself in the second-banana role in a few mildly profitable "urban action" movies. ("Urban" means there’s a DMX or some other acronym/rapper in the lead role.) Since Exit Wounds made a little bit more money than it cost to make (thereby making it a "hit"), the canny producers, completely ignoring the giggling sounds throughout Hollywood, were quick to sign Stevey to a 2-picture deal.That two-picture deal turned into Half Past Dead (released theatrically earlier this year and a money-loser) and The Foreigner (released direct-to-video and so bad that it makes Seagal’s other films look like the combined efforts of Frank Capra and Billy Wilder). I mention all of this because I’m stuck. Movie reviews generally consist of plot synopses and comments on the quality of the movie. The Foreigner has nothing. No plot, no quality, no logic, and certainly no reason you should rent the damn thing…unless maybe Steven Seagal’s coming over for dinner and you’d like to show what a huge fan you are.Borrowing a plot contrivance (and little else) from this year’s The Transporter, The Foreigner features Stevey as some bad-ass courier dude who’s asked to deliver something from Germany to France. Or maybe it’s from Guam to Paris. Regardless, one of the stopping off points should have been Turkey. (Given his filmography, one suspects Seagal would feel right at home in Turkey.) After the indecipherable mess of a movie came to a close, I watched the theatrical (yeah, right, "theatrical") trailer and was then able to detect a little more of the plot structure: bad guys want the package that Stevey’s carrying. But he opened it when he was told not to. So now he’s in over his head. And also marked for death, hard to kill, under seige and on deadly ground.Wake me when it’s over.Were there even ONE colorful supporting actor or a particularly kinetic action sequence to hold your interest, I’d gladly mention it here. There just isn’t. The villians (if indeed there even are any) are bland and indistinguishable from one another, the plot is completely and entirely non-sensical, and the action bits…well, let’s just say that watching a tubby former pseudo-action star attempt to hide his expansive girth in a collection of long coats while playing slap-fight with whatever foreigner happens to be in the room is NOT what the action fans are looking for.Add a laugh track and the movie earns an extra star.
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